Suddenly a thought touched me. I found I was not able to write. No words came to me. I seem to be stuck at a writer’s dead end. It could be because I no longer write and the lethargy of it is having me in its chains. I don’t even write mails these days. What have I become? And without writing I feel useless, worthless, and in general good for nothing. When writing is the hope that it is one skill that will take to me success is the one thing that propels me through life, how can I be so irresponsible? I should keep writing. I should keep my writing gears well-oiled.

Where are the stories that used to come to me? It seems they have left me realizing that me, the outlet to the world for them, has closed. I should renew the membership in that library. I have been planning to do that for a long time. After moving to New Mumbai, I go to South Mumbai very rarely. Partly it is because I no longer try to escape from the room. I stay in the room and lay around all the time doing particularly nothing.

Right now I read the story of a woman who went for a cosmetic surgery and ended up with serious health complications and a bad face (http://luciacovelli.rediffiland.com/). I felt low as a result.

When am I going to write the stories I want to write? When am I going to write that first novel? I am acting as if that novel will appear out of thin air and present itself to me. And in which language will I write? I am not very sure about my mother tongue. I was not very good at writing it to begin with and I have not written any significantly long pieces using it for a long time. Well, I don’t even get to speak that language for most of the day. I have to make do with my not so good spoken English and rude Hindi; rude because I learned to speak Hindi among a race of rude people.

It seems I am just rambling along. I am doing it just because I want to get back to the habit of writing. Writing has become painful. It is like taking a plaster off a wound. The plaster has stuck to the hair around the wound and you have to pull very slowly or do it in a one fast pull, so that it does not hurt much. I am doing it in the former way, writing a paragraph at a time and then going somewhere else and come back and look at what I have written and then again write something.